nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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