She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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