This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
