you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
