I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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