The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
