I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
