we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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