i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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