Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
