I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
