just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
