cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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