two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
