woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just invented taco cereal.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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