why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
