Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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