Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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