Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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