The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
