dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
