update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
