I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
