I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
