can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
