they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
