He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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