I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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