I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
