We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
