Christians are straight up FREAKS
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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