So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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