almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
