I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
