i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
