I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
