literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
