it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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