I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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