So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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