Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
