he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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