You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize