so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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