i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want