Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Green mimosas i think yes
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.