I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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