Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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