you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
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my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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