Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
