Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
God I need to hump something, right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
