i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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