I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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