Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
