I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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