I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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