I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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