I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
