Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
